Book Club Pandemic-style

 The book: The Secret Diary of Hendrik Something or other, I don't remember the whole title. 

I read it two months ago, or maybe it was two years ago, because I remember the story, but some of the details are fuzzy. This is for our Book Group of Two, friends who love talking books. 

"What about you? What did you like?" 

"What's-Her-Name, that nurse who was so kind to the old gal, the one who gave her that special ring, which the snotty daughter then took while gathering her things from the home.

"Wait, maybe I'm confusing this with a scene in Derek, that Ricky Gervais series."

"Oh, I haven't seen it. Is it funny?"

Mental sorting/classifying processes working, gears grinding, ding:
"Yes, in a good sort of humble way. Humor in the darkness, some of it." 

"Okay, back to the book. I thought the idea of it being a secret diary was funny, considering his commentary on the other folks at the old-age home was often kind, insightful, and not nearly as mean as I would guess I might be if I were keeping a secret diary in the same situation. 

"Come to think of it, last year sort of destroyed my filter and I give zero fucks anymore. Yes, I will be out there in the garden, weeding and sitting on my butt since my back is usually sore, because I'd rather look ridiculous doing something I love than just miss out. Zero. Absolutely. I'm going to lose my marble if I have to end up with a care situation with a bunch of other people who also give zero fucks."

Laughing. "We still on for the jello fights?" 

Always.

 

"I loved the scooters he mentioned. How the one guy's grandson tricked his out and they were scooting around like hip oldsters, in their rain gear. I imagine they looked like the Gorton's Fishermen, rain gear being what it likely is in the Netherlands. The way he chooses to get around even in the bad weather is a sort of determination to live, even when he's talking with the social worker his doctor sends to the home after he asks about medically-assisted suicide. It's like he says he doesn't want to live, but his actions totally belie that." 

"The story of that gal that he liked, I can't remember her name (again--ed.), but how he was finding some new spark in life, but also  knowing that nothing is forever. I liked how the author didn't reveal Hendrik's past right away, because it puts things in a new perspective once you get that information. That whole part was a tear-jerker, and I hate to use this word, but it was very poignant."

"Oh, I know, that killed me. It really is a document of understanding how he is faring while the others around him are... well, not failing, but maybe slowly diminishing. Hendrik gets to see this in real time, he knows that some around him are aware of their futures, of how they are declining, what they have to look forward to, and for others, the future is so incredibly unpredictable that it takes everyone around them off guard. I'm not sure I want to go gentle into that good night if it means years of not knowing who I am. I think about that, sometimes."

Birds chirp. Long pauses are important for good discussions.

"We should form our own "Old but not Dead" Club." 

Ha! "Yeah, we should. Maybe if I decide to kick off I'll eat a bunch of cheese right beforehand, so I will actually feel like I want to die."

 

"I thought the intrigue around the rules and codes, the decisions made by the care home manager was funny. They really turned it into a serious cause, something to focus on. I wonder if the attraction to that mystery, getting a lawyer and all, was out of a sense of having something to do. Or maybe he was proving to himself he wasn't going to give up the fight he had in him, which, again, totally proves that he wasn't really ready to go. It's like he's asking the social worker about assisted suicide because he's wondering what his options are.

"That said, it's probably hard to watch those around you, people you love, dying or losing their capacity to function. Sometimes watching them knowingly make choices to shorten their lives. It probably seems nihilistic to say these guys were living life on their own terms and hooray for them, especially when our medical industry and society seem to stress lifespan and longevity more than the actual quality of life."

"Agreed. If we actually wanted to focus on quality of life here, a lot would change. But I'm too tired to even go into that. What did you think?-- like, this was one book which made me feel like I was a better person for reading it. That I had a more empathetic understanding of someone in the position of being in their 80's, having had a full life, but still willing and open to more. I also think I can understand the resignation of some of the other folks at the retirement home, as they decide how to go forward into what's on the horizon. Just one more reason to know that we just can't judge how a person decides to manage their later years. Ultimately, some of it is up to them, but much of it may not be." 

"Yeah, I'm in no hurry for that, end of life stuff. just can't even think about it. Which is weird, because the pandemic was supposed to make us think even more about what's important to us, but it's gone on for so long, I just feel like I can't think. I feel numb in some ways. Like "end of life? How do I even know what that's going to look like or when, because a damn virus is everywhere... it brings it too close to want to think about, so I have to ignore it. I already have enough on my plate, there are already enough things I have to consider in keeping our business open and having people coming in to the space for in-person work. I'm not even sure how many people we can schedule to be in the building on any one day due to social distancing restrictions: how am I supposed to even think about what the future when each week is a new bunch of problems to solve?"

"Gosh, I'm sorry. That sucks. Did it change for you at all now that you're fully vaccinated?" 

"It didn't vaccinate me from deadlines and delivery times, so, no."

"I'd like to be innoculated against ennui." Ha ha. Petty dream.

"Innoculated against assholes." 

"There you go! That's something we could really use. Maybe hit Pfizer up. 'Hey, I've got a great idea....' ". 

"They could make billions on that. I want the first shot. I'll be in their clinical trials. Asshole-proof, ha ha!" 

"But what qualifies as an asshole? I mean, the criteria must be somewhat subjective as opposed to objective. Science still hasn't figured it out. I would rather use the R &D money on buying my own private island. Simpler, more effective........ I wonder how many rich people have their own island anyway?"

"Wait until rising sea levels make them come back to the mainland and they have to deal with people again." 

"Maybe the point of it is that old age and death are a great equalizer, even if none of it is equal at all. Just the fate of our flesh and bones-- no matter how we go, we do all go at some point, so you have to make some intentional decisions in how to live if we want to be... not happy, necessarily, but satisfied. Hendrik and his buddies were maybe successful in that, because most of them lived their lives on their own terms in some way. Maybe that was the point of their fight with the retirement and care home's laws-- they wanted those little bits of life that were being controlled by the management to be under their own control. Like, if some decisions are being made totally arbitrarily, recognize it and let the people most being affected make that choice for themselves. Otherwise you end up with cake in the fishtank." 

Laughing. "I'm going to total trick out my mobility scooter. Make it play Thelonious Monk really loud while I zip down the street, and have an extra-wide umbrella for it because it rains so damn much here."

"I thought Oregonians were too acclimated to rain to actually deign to use an umbrella."

"Screw that. I'm not getting wet because of some weird mythology perpetuated by people who drive everywhere.  I blame the hipster marketers for that. 'What petty way can we show how cool we are? I know, make it so umbrellas are for losers.' That's a pretty silly thing to be proud of, obstinacy. It's raining but I will do nothing to keep myself dry and protected because I am a True Oregonian. I own at least 3 umbrellas right now. It's all well and good to be a 'true Oregonian' until you are standing at a bus stop at 9:30 at night in a rainstorm..."

"Done plenty of that." 

"Yep." 

"Next book?" 


"I'm to tired to think. Can I send you a list of ideas in the next few days?" 

"Of course. I think I picked the last one, so it's your turn."

 

"Cool. It's funny that no matter what, we still have books. Hey, when we get old and I lose my eyesight to my grandfather's macular degeneration -- god, I hope not-- shall we cajole or terrorize some young aid into reading books to us? I'm thinking I should start setting aside a fund for buying off the staff to sneak books and treats in for us." 

"Sounds like a plan....."

The book: The Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen, 83 1/4 Years Old, by Hendrik Groen, fiction. If you are local  you can borrow my copy. And no, this was not a real Book Group of Two conversation, as we haven't discussed the book yet. Damn pandemic.