Hide and Seek

 Hello folks! Once again, that time is rolling around... you know what I'm talking about ladies. 

Let's play hide and seek. I'll hide, seeking quiet and solitude because this headache is for real, and you will leave me the hell alone. 

Maybe we should call this game "hide and don't seek", unless you are looking for a grumpy bear mama to roll her eyes at whatever you need her for because really, at this point, no one is helpless in this household.

Maybe I need a tee shirt which reads something like this:

 I'm cramping like a motherfucker and will be of no good use to anyone today

 Maybe make it a red tee shirt so it can act as a warning flag, even from the back. 

Maybe make your own damn breakfast, while you're at it. 
Nah, I'll make your eggs, but you've gotta do the rest. 

Maybe we don't really need to do our morning walk? But now you want to go because you think the weather is 'perfect', as you do on the coldest cloudy days. I'll go with you, but when you start talking about video games, my brain is going into shutdown mode, so be warned. You don't have to stop talking, but I don't have to listen, either. 

Yes, you do have to empty the dishrack right now, and no, your schoolwork is not more important. I'm on to your tricks, Kiddo.

Maybe I'll stay here in the kitchen so I can make tonight's beef stew for dinner. Ever since I threw some gnocchi in, instead of potatoes, that's the only thing your dad wants to eat. So I will make it because A. everyone will eat it and B. I can make it now and not have to cook later. 

There is a nap in my future, after lunch. I can make it through today. 

Maybe I will curl up with Milton, my kitty hot water bottle, and fall asleep away from the headaches and nausea which have wandered in and out over the last few days. Milton is the best cat to sleep with, he stays put. Sally, you stay downstairs, because you are a cute thing but you are needy and since you had some of those teeth removed, you drool all over me. I love you, but you will perch on my pillow and drown me before I wake up. 

Repeat hormonal mantra: 

It's not you, it's me.

If only this chant could transport me to my fantasyland where everyone leaves me the hell alone. I feel like an uncute, grouchy monster with scales and spikes and ouchy places and I need a cave of my own to go live in so I don't scare the humans. Men like to hunker down when they feel sick, get pampered when they have a cold... me, I have to work because stuff's gotta get done. It's an experience only someone with these bad lady hormones and a uterus get to explore, how to function half-assedly through a day when you give zero fucks about anything other than 'when will this be over?' because you know that if today isn't too horrible, tomorrow will be worse, and if it is horrible, for sure tomorrow should be better-- but it probably won't. 

So, I'm going to go hide now. Don't find me... unless you're looking for trouble.