Dysregulated

 Today, my anxiety is off the charts. My jaw clenches automatically, my spirit is so worn and tired and hurting, and I have no balm for it at the moment. 

Last night, during a clash between Trump supporters and people protesting racism and police brutality, a person was shot and killed. News is still early about this: they say the victim wore a Patriot Prayer cap and there's speculation as to what might have happened but nothing truly conclusive. This hurts my heart to its core. 

This.... is what I have been afraid of, and continue to be afraid of. 

To add to my upset, this morning I discovered that our president is Tweeting out encouragement to his supporters, that they should continue to come to Portland as 'True Patriots'. He put those two words in all caps, but frankly, I don't have the stomach for it. Truly, part of dysregulation is a physiological affair. My stomach is in a knot. My throat is tight. I consciously take deep, full breaths while trying to find some sense of steady ground within my body.

If you think this is an overreaction, please bear in mind, the president probably didn't just tell violent, armed, angry people to go into your town to prove a point. And if you don't live here, it's time to sit down and be quiet and listen. People here are worn and weary. We are tired of people coming into Portland for a fight. This has been going on for a couple years now and we're sick of it. Imagine Portlanders going into some small town and just beating people up who dared not to agree with them, brandishing weapons and threatening passersby. It's terrifying. 

I'm hearing of progressive, anti-gun folks now buying weapons because they fear the next thing that happens will be aimed at them. I do not join them in their belief that guns are necessary. I do worry that more people out there who haven't had firearms training are now armed. One commenter posted this morning that she had a Smith and Wesson under her bed and had just purchased a bunch of ammo. I advised her to store the weapon and ammo securely and separately and to not go on social media telling people that she had a firearm in her possession in the first place. 

Do I fear directly for my own safety? No. But I do have concerns for friends who live near where these rallies-cum-riots are taking place. Our neighborhood has been subjected to tear gas. The police bureau has had complaints of violence and racial profiling brought to them repeatedly, to no avail. The police want the anger and protests to stop, but are doing zero to address the concerns of the citizenry. 

And so it all continues. I do not hide in my house or fear my neighbors. I do not hate the Trump supporter three blocks away with pictures of Donald and Melania in his window. Instead, I get fucking anxious, which triggers the physical manifestations. My hands are a little shaky. I've had a dull headache all day. It's sunny outside and I feel slightly paralyzed, unsure of anything I want to do. Sometimes I'm lightheaded because my breathing is too shallow and my body is sending too much blood to my brain. Did I mention my resting pulse rate is fluttery and higher than usual? 

Dysregulation is the perfect word to describe what is happening to myself, to Portland, and to the entire United States at present. It means a lack of focus, the potential to make poor decisions because the thought processes aren't steady and grounded. Pain and fear are the worst place to make decisions from-- they only allow us to see what's one or two steps ahead, occluding the rest of the view. 

In a few minutes, my husband and I will leave the house, maybe go for a walk. Maybe I'll talk him into going to Sellwood, to Cloud Cap Games, so I can get myself another jigsaw puzzle in an attempt to self-soothe. Just to get out of the house and do something. For those of you, who are hurting and suffering in this too-- let me stretch out my arms and embrace you. This is hard, so hard. Let's breathe deeply together and try to remember, we are not alone.