I Will Be
In the early morning hours, once awakened, thoughts roll through my head like clouds, present in the blue sky of mind. Our Sally Cat, my dear true companion, has more frequently had some episodes of distress in her breathing, or maybe it's something else-- I do not know. It is worrying and pulls at the very heart of me. Last night I was finally able to get it on video. She cycled through a series of this labored heaving; Joe and I exchanged serious glances across the couch and over J's head. It is time for her to visit the vet again.
That decision made--to call the vet in the morning--we moved through our evening without too much thought about it, distracting ourselves with the television. In the small hours, as she stretched a paw out to touch my chin and I laid a few fingers on her soft furry side, thoughts were there, floating through my mind. That one is in the shape of crisis, this one in the shape of cancer, this-- a stuck hairball, that one, possible pneumonia-- all of them a series of her struggle to breathe or clear whatever needs clearing out. Watching a loved creature in distress is part of loving them, being calm and patiently being with them. What would I do if she was in deep, real medical trouble, or if they couldn't make this problem manageable or go away? That was a big cloud, sailing past to darken everything a solemn, grave gray. Would I be okay with it? Would I be... what? What can I be, if by some chance my dear girl-- what? What if?
As if a bell rang, it was so simple: I will be.
The circumstance doesn't fundamentally change who I am. I will move through the feelings of either relief or suffering or sadness or all of them. The usual adjectives which follow my usual "I will be/I am" statements are an imposition I place on myself, a direction or a protection, a way to feel some semblance of control. Everything feels so uncertain right now, and giving up that pretend sense control is going to be necessary if I want to regain a real sense of self-control, and that is in just letting myself be in all of this. There is no right way to move through this time, there is just quietly listening and honoring what comes up in the mind by allowing it, recognizing it, and letting it be. No assigning power to one particular emotion, no favoritism. Just being, in whatever capacity I can. There may be an easy remedy to Sally's distress or there may be some hard decisions before us-- I cannot know right now. As medical protocols have shifted due to Covid-19, our usual way of doing this is radically altered and we must trust strangers now more than ever to care for those we love. Within all of this, setting my intention to just be present because it is ultimately all I can do.
Even now, I am telling a story to set my intention of just being. That is all.
That decision made--to call the vet in the morning--we moved through our evening without too much thought about it, distracting ourselves with the television. In the small hours, as she stretched a paw out to touch my chin and I laid a few fingers on her soft furry side, thoughts were there, floating through my mind. That one is in the shape of crisis, this one in the shape of cancer, this-- a stuck hairball, that one, possible pneumonia-- all of them a series of her struggle to breathe or clear whatever needs clearing out. Watching a loved creature in distress is part of loving them, being calm and patiently being with them. What would I do if she was in deep, real medical trouble, or if they couldn't make this problem manageable or go away? That was a big cloud, sailing past to darken everything a solemn, grave gray. Would I be okay with it? Would I be... what? What can I be, if by some chance my dear girl-- what? What if?
As if a bell rang, it was so simple: I will be.
The circumstance doesn't fundamentally change who I am. I will move through the feelings of either relief or suffering or sadness or all of them. The usual adjectives which follow my usual "I will be/I am" statements are an imposition I place on myself, a direction or a protection, a way to feel some semblance of control. Everything feels so uncertain right now, and giving up that pretend sense control is going to be necessary if I want to regain a real sense of self-control, and that is in just letting myself be in all of this. There is no right way to move through this time, there is just quietly listening and honoring what comes up in the mind by allowing it, recognizing it, and letting it be. No assigning power to one particular emotion, no favoritism. Just being, in whatever capacity I can. There may be an easy remedy to Sally's distress or there may be some hard decisions before us-- I cannot know right now. As medical protocols have shifted due to Covid-19, our usual way of doing this is radically altered and we must trust strangers now more than ever to care for those we love. Within all of this, setting my intention to just be present because it is ultimately all I can do.
Even now, I am telling a story to set my intention of just being. That is all.
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