Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Hasty Retreat

I'm squinting at the monitor, hiding out. It's early and Kiddo's up. He's been up since 5:45--first to try and nurse (the Boo-Boo's are a rare occurrence in his life anymore), although Joe put him back down while I trundled downstairs for my morning cup of tea. And then, five minutes ago, I could hear them stomping and thumping themselves awake upstairs. I felt like a found partridge, flushed out by the hounds, and so I fled downstairs and here I type, squinting because my glasses are upstairs.

The past few weeks I've felt a Heartbreaking Lack of Alone Time. Time to loll, read more than two pages in a book, stare out into space...what with Kiddo's croup and then Joe's bronchitis and the needs of the preschool, I'm running a Me Time deficit. I can deal with this for a while, but when the tank's running on empty, we have a problem. Let me explain, too, that my idea of Me Time isn't extravagant...I'd just love to have the house to myself for two hours without a load of work to do.

And tonight Kiddo and I are on our own. Joe's heading out to a hockey game, and good for him, it's his once a season Manly Bonding activity. So I'm trying to work on my attitude. Here's the question, though: how do I change my perception about this evening into a real positive? How do I get to that space of just saying "I get to spend an evening of one-on-one with my little boy and isn't that great?" without the echo of a sarcastic "and isn't that great?" ringing in my ears?

I love my boy, without a doubt. I'm also a fairly introverted person and time alone is food for me; good, grounding food. Without time alone, I barely can know what I'm thinking. My brain doesn't really have good time to rest or reflect. When I am underwater in this area, I will often take Kiddo out for a walk. Silent behind him in the stroller, some days this will be as much alone time as I can gather.

Spiritually, I understand the importance of being present in the moment~ this is something I strive for every day, at work or no. But I'd also like to be present in a nice, quiet place for a little while too and I don't think this sort of self-care is wrong. Elusive, yes, but not wrong. So, here's my question: how do other parents find ways to carve out time to renew their brains, recalibrate their humors and breathe in a big clean gulp of peace? Can this be done in the moment, on the fly, like calisthenics?

In the meantime, I'm going to give myself up to a more positive and less attached attitude for tonight. I'm going to try to have some good playtime with Kiddo and stuff him with gnocchi before putting him to bed and tackling the filing I've got waiting. I'll try to keep focused on the present, which reminds me, it's time to go get my glasses and make breakfast. And hug the people who so want me around that it's hard to sneak away--The love makes it so much better.

3 comments:

Alisha said...

I wake up at five to get some "alone time" though I don't know how appealing that will sound to you... :)

Hazel said...

Ah, Alisha, you are one of my Cape Moms (as in, you are Super!). I used to get up at 5 for work, and when I was pregnant and so tired, I'd get up and want to cry...only I was too tired to cry. How pathetic is that?

Okay, Awesome Mama...go get another cup of coffee...I miss you like crazy and hope you might make it out for a public appearance sometime soon.

Amanda Perko said...

For me....it's a here and there thing. Somedays I get up early. I usually have company, but the boys have come to know that it's quiet time and they can read quietly while I read and sip my tea. Sometimes I go for a walk or a run alone...let my mind bleed and process. Sometimes, honestly, I just go to bed a little early and read a bit or lay there awhile so I can rest my mind. I'm sure your work will be pressing on your time a bit more. Maybe you should, I dunno, run away to the beach this Spring for a weekend? I'll come!