Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Rippin' on Rudolph

A few nights ago, we got cozy and watched the broadcast of the classic Rankin and Bass "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer". Poor Rudy--if he thought the other reindeer were giving him a hard time, I'm glad he couldn't hear us. We cracked wise and laughed our heads off. Here are some of our observations, in chronological order. Mind you, we came in a little late...

1. Digitally enhanced snow. Do they have to mess with everything?

2. During the song "We Are Santa's Elves" I thought for certain that with all those elves standing so close together, and those sharp pointy ears, someone was going to get their face impaled.

3. Head Elf seems very down on the idea of Herbie becoming a dentist. I'm unsure why that is; if he's against elves having medical and dental benefits or what.

4.Can you tell me which scene featured the song "Christmas Party Hop" in the background? Extra bonus points if you do!

5. I can see why those reindeer did call Rudolph names. They regularly laugh at failure. "Coach" Reindeer not setting such a good example.

6. The whole "romance" end of things: okay, folks, there seems to be some pressure for these deer to mate rather early in life. No horns, but already acting, uh, horny. And Felice, my dear, what freaking deer wears mascara? Obviously not a "true story".

7. Santa seemed to have an uncalled-for reaction to Rudolph being, ahem, shall we say different. Makes you wonder if Santa might have a hidden prejudicial streak, which raises the question, can he be trusted to distribute toys with equity?

8. I love the whole "Felice wants Rudolph to walk her home" sort of thing. Kind of reminiscent of that whole 60's "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner" biracial couple sort of thing. Red Nose+Black Nose=True Love Forever. But then she ruins it by singing that horridly mushy "There's Always Tomorrow". Then, to make matters worse for poor Rudy, Felice's dad appears to be afflicted with the same prejudice that's taken hold of the rest of the North Pole. Who knew Santa's little world was so hateful?

9. Herbie and Rudy pair up over their misfit status. In the 80's they would have become Goths or D&D players and bonded over Bauhaus or 7-sided dice. But it's the 1960's, so off they go into the snow and catch sight of the Abominable Snowman, which, if you ask me, is far more interesting than sitting around your parent's basement listing to "Bela Lugosi's Dead".

10. Burl Ives gives us a break, singing "Silver and Gold", during which we see a nest of newly hatched chicks surviving in the sub-zero weather. The North Pole is truly a magical land!

11. Our main misfits meet up with Yukon Cornelius, a liar and a fool. After a showdown with Abominable, Yukon sets them "free" to escape on an ice floe to nowhere. Thanks buddy! Joe notes that the Abominable "looks like Chris Elliot".

12. Donner takes off alone to find Rudolph, telling Mrs. Donner that searching for their son is "Man's work", as apparently alienating and humiliating their son also was. Great job, dad! Fortunately, Felice and Mrs Donner head out to find Rudy, who I'm sure would much rather see them than the guy who made him feel like crap.

13. Maudlin loserfest on the Island of Misfit Toys. Apparently they still have a dysfunctional relationship with Santa, who has declared them "unworthy". They think Christmas is wonderful even if they can't participate. It's akin to being wildly unpopular with bad skin and worshipping prom---mass-o-kiss-stick!

14.That night Rudy decides to strike out on his own and leaves the door open "and they all froze to death" said Joe.

15. Rudy travels through the land of polar bears and though it's cold and they have no food, they do not eat him. A Christmas miracle indeed.

16.So he returns(he's 18 now!or the deer equivalent); cue more digitally enhanced snow and igloo blowing over. Rudy finds mom and girlfriend about to become Abominable's puu puu platter. Yukon arrives in the nick of time and gives Abominable a concussion. Then Herbie practises unlicensed dentistry and removes the monster's teeth, which will eventually leave him to starve to death as I don't think Santa's dropping off an Osterizer to puree his prey. Yukon practices a mercy killing by running Abominable off a cliff before starvation sets in.

17. Herbie returns to discover that Union Leader Elf will allow a dental practice, which is good since apparently he's been snacking on too much Christmas candy.

18. In light of a storm, Santa reassesses his "different is bad" theory and decides that Rudy's halogen nose will save Christmas. Hooray! The End! (also hooray!)

Merry Christmas!

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