Saturday, September 29, 2007

The Celebrity Game

Imagine you are a celebrity. This is easy to do. Banish thoughts of dullness, of yourself as an everyday person. You are no longer ordinary. You are a celebrity -- You've got it goin' on!

Imagine you are a celebrity. What are you celebrated for? Is your face your fortune? Are you notorious for whooping it up with the best of them? Did your mind make you a million? Have your cunning and creative culinary skills made you the chef of choice? Did your band score three platinum albums before you left and went on to successful solo stardom? Have your words been worth reading? Pick your talent and work it.

Imagine you are a celebrity. There is no time for not liking yourself in this moment. Look in the mirror and know that your face has been on billboards, celluloid, book jackets, Cd's, and ads for heart medications. Do not think of your face on a milk carton--the term celebrity is not that broad. If you want to be a missing person, this is not the game for you. Please seek professional help.

Imagine you are a celebrity. Hold your shoulders up a little more, please. Celebrities have no reason to slouch. Straighten that back. Go brush your teeth. Remember that you are A-List and you don't get to the A-List with bad breath. Take a moment to give yourself a little polish. Clip those hangnails, wipe your nose and run a brush through your hair before leaving the house. Your paparazzi might not be visible, but they could be hiding in the bushes, waiting to catch you looking rumpled.

Imagine you are a celebrity. Wrap your favorite scarf around your throat just so. Pop a sparkly pin on your hat or strut out the door in those beat-up boots that are so incredibly who you are. Give yourself a little panache. Remember, when it comes to fashion, you are a celebrity and can do no wrong.

Imagine you are a celebrity. As you walk out the door and down the street, remember that you like yourself. But don't like yourself too much or defamatory remarks about your conceitedness will spread like wildfire through the pages of US magazine and you will become the subject of many polls. Instead, a gracious celebrity like yourself will belong to their public, will be accessible and gracious. You aren't above holding doors open for people or letting someone with only two items go ahead of you at the checkout counter. Your celebrity self will smile benevolently when those fortunately favored with your kindness thank you. "Oh, it was nothing. Have a (great, lovely, good, awesome--depending on the flavor of celebrity you are) day!" You will dazzle with a smile or cooly shrug in a good-natured sort of way.

Imagine you are a celebrity. Have fun! Enjoy even the most mundane moments in your life. Pretend you've let your housekeeper have the week off for her son's graduation trip to Hawaii, which you so thoughtfully paid for and arranged. She is like family, you know! So clean house like a celebrity: put some music on, pour yourself a glass of wine or pop a beer --unless you are one of those alcohol-monitor-anklet rehab celebrities-- and get to work. Sort your bills, scrub your floor and fold your laundry, all the time like a very important person.

Imagine you are a celebrity. You are getting ready to make a meal. Eat well--your career depends on it! Cheetos and ice cream will leave your skin camera repellent. Microwave burritos are beneath someone of your stature and income. Good gracious! And carb-loading will leave you with no energy for going out with your friends for one of those impromptu gatherings which are so much fun. Choose your food wisely; your diet will wind up compared to those of Halle Berry,Gweneth Paltrow and Patrick Dempsey. Hopefully, it will stand up to such competition.

Imagine you are a celebrity. Know that others around you watch what you do and consider what you say. Take care of yourself, bathe regularly, dress well and keep your nails clean. Love yourself...but not too much, or the word megalomaniac will appear people's minds in quite an unflattering font. But keep the celebrity game in mind. After all, God is watching. And if he's taking a break, well, there are a lot of hidden cameras around town....

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